What happens when we feel intense sadness, loss, and overwhelming helplessness when we see or hear things that are intended to bring joy during the holidays?
For many in the cancer community, the holiday season is a time of increased expectations and anxiety. Despite the best intentions of loved ones, the burden often falls on the patient to explain why they may not feel up to the usual celebrations. There could be many reasons why a person with cancer might not participate – and they are all valid. As a supportive community, we can do our part to be kind, compassionate, and accepting.
Now that many families are choosing not to gather due to COVID-19, a small window into the experience of the cancer patient is opened. Cancer patients were already experiencing lifestyle changes and increased isolation as a result of their diagnosis, and many feel pressure to participate in traditional celebrations and pressure to feel happy or grateful enough during the holidays. As one of our support group members expressed it, “Don’t call me a Scrooge!”
For loved ones: Many want to enjoy holiday dinners, smell the comforting scents of the holidays, and gather with loved ones. For cancer patients, the desire is there, but certain smells may cause nausea, there may not be the energy required to participate in family traditions, and pain may make gatherings or expectations impossible. It is important for friends and family members to acknowledge that if their loved ones with cancer are feeling this way, they are not a “Scrooge”. Reach out to them and discuss what works for them this holiday season. Make sure they know whatever works for them, works for you.
For those living with cancer: Remember to have compassion towards yourself and allow yourself to feel sadness, frustration, or whatever you need to feel. You are not a Scrooge! Feel it, acknowledge it, then move forward and partake in what is enjoyable for you for the holidays (that is allowed). This may look different than past holidays. With COVID-19 as part of our world there is even more isolation and this is the year to make new traditions. Many are having Zoom holidays, long phone conversations, and cooking holiday meals or goodies separately and then sharing with family members at a safe distance. No, it’s not the same – but recognize and experience joy where you can.