Without Him
At first she is too little to understand
She asks for lemons
Clouds
And dolls
Staying overnight
In the place where hearts are broken
Families are crushed
And lives are taken
Is like a sleepover for her
All her relatives play with her to distract her
But really they are the ones who need distracting
She just likes playing with them
They take her to Disney
And for a moment everything is
As normal as it can be
She gets her hair done like a princess
And everyone in her family
Still has hair
She gets caught up in the excitement
Of getting ready for kindergarten
And she doesn’t notice
At first
Then she begins to pick up on everything
And instead of playing with the other kids
She stays behind
And when he walks a little slower she walks hand in hand with him Because she knows
And when he asks for a sip of her
Frozen lemon cup
She gives it to him
Because she knows
When she gets off the bus she hugs him
Because she knows
And when he lies next to the foot of her bed
She prays for him
Because she is not a little girl anymore
And on her birthday
When she comes back from dinner without him
She shows him her new doll and she plays
With him in his bed
Until he falls asleep
Because now she kisses him goodnight
And not the other way around
She wakes up on Christmas alone in her house
Her empty
Lifeless
Somber house
And she drives an hour in silence
Until she reaches the place
Where she feels a little bit more at home
And instead of eating Christmas dinner at a table surrounded by her loved ones She eats red and green jello in the cafeteria of the hospital
When December turns to January
And both of her parents return home
She knows that nothing is back to normal
There will be no more playing soccer
Feeding ducks
Or eating bagels
There will only will lying in bed
The girl knows this
And so when her daddy asks for her help
She runs to him faster than the wind
And then when it is only her grandma and her sisters In the house with her
She understands
And when she says goodnight it feels like every other night But in the morning
She knows that night was different
And the moment she wakes up and her mommy is home again is forever engraved in her mind
Like it is carved in stone
And they cling to each other in the stairwell
As the person they love climbs a new staircase
And later that week
When the girl is dressed in black
She does not shed a tear
When she gives one last kiss
She does not shed a tear
And when she is standing
Chilled to the bone outside
As she says goodbye
She does not shed a tear
When the first of many dances comes around She does not ask to go
Nor does she want to
Because it will never be the same
As she drives down 294
She whispers hi daddy
Even though she knows
By now she would be calling him dad But it doesn’t matter
Because time is forever paused
And she knows that soon
When she is dressed in white
She will make the long walk alone
As he watches from above
As time goes on
And the memories start to fade
Days go by without her thinking about him
And when she passes his picture
No memories come to mind
Now she cries
She cries about forgetting
And she cries because
She knows that she has spent more time without him than she has with him She cries because she realizes she never got to know him that well And she cries because of all the firsts she will have by herself She cries because her life is normal
Without him