Without Him

At first she is too little to understand  

She asks for lemons 

Clouds 

And dolls  

Staying overnight 

In the place where hearts are broken 

Families are crushed 

And lives are taken 

Is like a sleepover for her 

All her relatives play with her to distract her 

But really they are the ones who need distracting  

She just likes playing with them  

They take her to Disney  

And for a moment everything is 

As normal as it can be 

She gets her hair done like a princess  

And everyone in her family 

Still has hair 

She gets caught up in the excitement 

Of getting ready for kindergarten  

And she doesn’t notice 

At first  

Then she begins to pick up on everything 

And instead of playing with the other kids 

She stays behind 

And when he walks a little slower she walks hand in hand with him  Because she knows  

And when he asks for a sip of her  

Frozen lemon cup 

She gives it to him 

Because she knows  

When she gets off the bus she hugs him  

Because she knows 

And when he lies next to the foot of her bed  

She prays for him  

Because she is not a little girl anymore  

And on her birthday 

When she comes back from dinner without him 

She shows him her new doll and she plays 

With him in his bed 

Until he falls asleep  

Because now she kisses him goodnight  

And not the other way around  

She wakes up on Christmas alone in her house  

Her empty 

Lifeless 

Somber house  

And she drives an hour in silence 

Until she reaches the place 

Where she feels a little bit more at home 

And instead of eating Christmas dinner at a table surrounded by her loved ones  She eats red and green jello in the cafeteria of the hospital  

When December turns to January  

And both of her parents return home  

She knows that nothing is back to normal  

There will be no more playing soccer 

Feeding ducks 

Or eating bagels  

There will only will lying in bed 

The girl knows this 

And so when her daddy asks for her help  

She runs to him faster than the wind  

And then when it is only her grandma and her sisters In the house with her 

She understands 

And when she says goodnight it feels like every other night  But in the morning  

She knows that night was different  

And the moment she wakes up and her mommy is home again  is forever engraved in her mind 

Like it is carved in stone 

And they cling to each other in the stairwell  

As the person they love climbs a new staircase 

And later that week 

When the girl is dressed in black  

She does not shed a tear 

When she gives one last kiss  

She does not shed a tear 

And when she is standing  

Chilled to the bone outside 

As she says goodbye 

She does not shed a tear  

When the first of many dances comes around She does not ask to go 

Nor does she want to 

Because it will never be the same  

As she drives down 294 

She whispers hi daddy 

Even though she knows 

By now she would be calling him dad  But it doesn’t matter  

Because time is forever paused 

And she knows that soon  

When she is dressed in white  

She will make the long walk alone  

As he watches from above  

As time goes on 

And the memories start to fade 

Days go by without her thinking about him 

And when she passes his picture 

No memories come to mind 

Now she cries 

She cries about forgetting 

And she cries because 

She knows that she has spent more time without him than she has with him  She cries because she realizes she never got to know him that well And she cries because of all the firsts she will have by herself She cries because her life is normal  

Without him