My Other Brother

October 20, 2009

Dear Christopher,
I know you will never be able to hold this in your hands and read it. I know you will never have the chance to tell me what you think about the things I’m about to say. One thing I do know is that you are forever with me and through your presence you have taught me so many things I would have never known and you have helped me become who I am. I know that I can not make a wish and have you back, I know all the prayers in the world will not return you home, but I hope you’re looking down on me and can see all that you have done for me.
Since I was three years old you had called me your little sister. Growing up with you I had never once thought this would ever happen. You were always the athletic one, you were an honors student and you excelled in every thing you did. When I had heard you had been diagnosed with cancer I didn’t know what to think. Was it something you would be able to recover from or was this going to be a never ending battle? Sadly, after the two year battle, at the age of 21, the cancer had taken you away from me.
Saturday October 10th 2008 was the day that God decided he needed you. I just don’t think he realizes how much we need you down here. I wish I could erase that day from my memory, but unfortunately it’s stuck with me. You were the first person that I loved that I have lost. I remember that day like it was yesterday. I saw my brother come into my room with tears in his eyes. Right away I knew what he was about to say. Those two words instantly broke my heart. Never have I ever felt such an
indescribable pain. To think that the world had just lost an extraordinary person crushed me. The day before your funeral your family held a viewing. I was so afraid that if I went to see you then it would be the only way I would remember you. I sat in the pew for at least an hour or two before I finally convinced myself that I needed to see you one last time. You finally looked at peace. You had your x-box controller in one hand, your rosary beads in the other and your Nintendo DS at your side. That’s the Chris I remember. The one who would play video games till the sun came up, the one who watched ESPN like it was a religion, and the one who no matter what happened, had a smile on his face. You were always a big brother to me. You always looked out for me. I remember when we were young and all the neighbor kids would get together and play capture the flag. I was the so called “runt” of the group and no one wanted me on their team. No matter what, you made sure that I was on your team. I know it might seem silly, but you helped whether you knew it or not; I thank you so much for that.
After you passed I had a more difficult time then I ever thought I would. Every time I laughed, smiled or had a good time I felt guilty. It seemed like it wasn’t fair that I was laughing and having a good time and you had just lost your life. Slowly but surely I came to realize that from this tough situation I could learn a great lesson. I soon learned to never take anything in life for granted. I now enjoy the time I spend with the ones I love. I saw what was truly important in life, and I have you to thank for showing me this.
I remember the day after you passed away I had a soccer game. I begged my parents to not make me go because I didn’t have the energy, but they insisted and told me to get out there and play for you. As I was getting ready for my game, I slipped a picture of the two of us inside my sock. I was determined to play this game for you, and only you. I’ll admit, I broke down at random times during the game because you were all I could think about, but I knew that you were looking down upon me giving me the strength to get out there and give it my all.
All the tears I have shed as I wrote this will never compare to the laughs and memories you have given me over the past 14 years. Everyday I miss you more and more. I have never felt so lucky to have known someone so significant. I’m thankful for being blessed with your smile and grace. Thank you for teaching me what life is all about; holding on when you think you’ve had enough and holding your head high when you feel like giving up. Thank you for being my other brother. I’ll see you soon Christopher.
Love, Lindsay.
Lindsay Hanson